Skip to main content

Day 1: It's all about the friends...

It has begun. Day One of Ninety. I'm using full words rather than digits to make it look as long as it feels. It's been an odd, reflective couple of days, and tonight we are with my husband's family and I would really love a drink.

My own family live on the other side of the world, in New Zealand.  I boarded a plane more than twenty years ago, and broke my mother's heart by cancelling the return flight. No doubt at least one of my children will do the same to me in years to come, although I may burn all their documents and empty their bank accounts in order to keep them close. (I can say this now that they are asleep, but a few hours ago, as they threw sand at each other and on strangers on the beach, I'd have been happy to book them one-way tickets to anywhere.) I feel the distance from my family more each year, as I begin to understand exactly what I left behind. And I feel far, far away from them: my parents, my brother and his wife, and the cousins my children will never know.

All the same, in recent years I've realised that although my family is at the heart of who I grew up to be, there are other bonds in my life that are every bit as crucial. They help me to make sense of things, or make me feel less bereft when there is no sense to be made. I hope that this is mutual. Other than the life-changing connections you make when you choose a partner or start a family, most of us belong to a succession of 'tribes': people you find at various stages of your life who really 'get' what you are going through at the time. You may drift from tribe to tribe as people's circumstances change or needs evolve, but if you are exceptionally lucky, some people drift with you. And when you've stuck with each other long enough, you know it's pretty likely to be permanent. I could count these people on the fingers of one hand, yet feel ridiculously lucky to have so many of them.

In case this doesn't make sense, here are some of my past and present tribes:

  • Uni tribe   French degrees brought us together, and The Celtic Arms. There was a broken engagement for one of us and a relationship ended by a partner's suicide. And oh my god, there were raspberry buns and cider and wine and M&Ms and the knowledge that at least three other freaks in New Zealand wanted to read French literature.
  • Publishing tribe  The job where I fitted, and so I stayed. A whole building full of print junkies, who had been trained to talk about 'business' and 'products' in job interviews rather than professing their deep and undying love of books and hoping that would be enough. And yet as soon as the contracts were signed, we were swooning over the newest titles in print and hanging out in Waterstones in the name of 'competitor research'. Everything at that company was a bit rubbish, but we were in it together. And there were manuscripts. Heaven.
  • New Mum tribe  The tribe where limits fall away. Nipple pain, nappy contents, peeing yourself if you run downhill -- it's all up for conversational grabs.
  • Twin Mum tribe  Like New Mum tribe but with even less sleep and double the pregnancy hormones for twice as long. And with endless back pain and sad farewells to trampolining. (Yes, that's YOU, my long-lost pelvic floor.) It's PND-tastic and if you actually manage to leave the house to see somebody, she (you wouldn't bother moving for a man) must be pretty important. This, though, was my first experience of the virtual tribe. Nobody seemed to have had enough sleep to set up a facebook group at that point, but we bonded over google groups. How to get crayon off a tv, how to get poo stains off the sofa, how to get them to stop biting each other, or just feel less ashamed when strangers noticed the tooth-marks... At the time it felt like Blitz Spirit, but in retrospect I see those as simple, carefree days.
  • SEN tribe  Before I realised I was a SEN Mum, I just thought I was a Crap Mum. Then I met people like me with kids like mine and issues like ours and understood that I was home. In our facebook group you can be Proud Mum, Grieving Mum, Triumphant Mum, Sad Mum, Frustrated Mum, Depressed Mum, Desperate Mum, Drunk Mum and most definitely Sweary Mum and there's always someone around to empathise. 'Your son thinks he's a cat? Mine did that! My friend's son thinks he's a horse!' You child tries a new food and everyone is cheering with you. There's a lump in the toe of a school sock and every member recoils in horror. It's a whole new world where our kids belong, and so we Mums belong.
And so back to today, Day One. I have to admit to tears today, as The Cat (the autistic twin) failed to cope with the journey to Norfolk, then he failed to cope with the big family group, the new environment, the sleeping arrangements and the noise. This stuff is standard for us, but we lose control of his environment when we're in a large group and there's only so much we can do to help him. It's also a stab in the heart to sit and hear about the wonderful things people are able to do with their summer holidays, when for us every day out of the house involves lengthy preparation and special accommodations, as well as the distinct possibility that we will have to abandon our plans and rush home if something smells wrong or isn't as expected. We'll be okay this weekend, I hope, but maybe not, and stress levels are high. Being away from my tribes makes me feel different and alone and in definite need of a drink just to relax enough to be able to string sentences together. Tonight at dinner what got me through was thinking of my tribes, who really 'get' my life and are behind me for my 90daysdry. I love that I have a friend who remembers the raspberry buns and stayed up all night with a screaming newborn Dog (the ADHD twin) so that my husband could go to a wedding. And I love that I have a friend who remembers it's Day One and wishes me a Happy Dessication. And I love just posting a swear word on a facebook group and knowing that my SEN friends get how hard the Cat is finding his weekend away. Fellow weirdos, I salute you, and I drink water in your honour.


  1. Cheers! Tribes are definitely good things. See you soon I hope xx


Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

After the End: ADD-vance, Honesty and Community

So last Friday was the 1st of December, marking the end of my 90-day drought, and I may have had a drink or two to celebrate! A few friends from ADD-vance came over, and a lovely lady with a big bag of skincare products. (Laura from Arbonne, if you’re interested! Very lovely indeed and another who has used ADD-vance services.) With my kids duly threatened and bribed, I had the kind of chatty evening-at-home-with-friends-and-make-up-and-wine that I haven’t had since, well, the early 90s. If you take out the girlie pampering bit, I need only track back seventeen years to August 2000, when my husband was away for his Stag Do and a select group of friends came for an all-female slightly tipsy sleepover. Either way, I was overdue a girls’ night at home.

The 90 days of my challenge have flown by, especially the last week. There’s so much still to say about ADD-vance, about self-care and about the mind-shift I’ve experienced just by making one small change to my lifestyle.

What I have realis…

New Year, New Blog

And so, having been swallowed by Christmas and poorly kids for a couple of weeks, I find myself at the end of 2017. With that must come the end of this blog, as it has already lasted a month longer than planned.

A few final thoughts, however - because I’m not actually capable of shutting up. Ever.

Firstly, please consider ‘giving back’ in 2018. It makes you feel good, or in Big Words: the positive effects on your mental health are well documented. If you get involved with a charity that has touched your life in some way, you are likely to find a tribe of people Just Like You, whether that’s SEN parents, cancer survivors, anti-suicide campaigners or whatever else is relevant to you or your family and friends. And if this blog has shown you anything, it should show you that you can be sponsored to take on any crazy challenge you can think up. Think of something your friends wouldn’t expect you to do, then do it. Or call your favoured charity and ask if you can help in some practical way…

The ADD-vance Community

So, it turns out you readers are a lovely lot and met my previous honest post with honest messages of your own. How is it that we all have so many hidden wounds and carry so much guilt about things that were never our fault -- like, say, postnatal depression? I can only hope we sort ourselves out for the next generation of Mums, and that the difficult conversations become the norm, and that no future parent is turned away or dismissed when they ask for help. I do actually believe that blogging Mums are making headway here, as nobody can shut them (/us) up, and all it takes to share reflections is a click on a facebook page. It's a powerful community.

Which leads me neatly back to ADD-vance, which has become a powerful community for SEN Mums in Hertfordshire, all thanks to one Mum who didn't want anyone to be as alone or unsupported as she was when her son was diagnosed. (That's Anne Ross, who still runs ADD-vance, 21 years on, and who deserves every medal going.)  Before t…